Ros Moss (24/3/52 - 8/5/11) We will always have you in our hearts

A long time since my last entry. For that I feel a little slack. To follow on from where I made my last blog post.... Bryce and I went to Tasmania for 10 days and nights, and had an excellent holiday. While in Tasmania, Ros was admitted back to hospital and stayed there 5-6 days. She was unable to keep her food down, and needed rehydration. We didn't know she was in hospital. For most of the time in Tasmania, we had little to no mobile phone signal, so we gave up with trying to communicate with folks on the main land. We returned to Sydney on Monday 11/4/11 and then made our trek to Melbourne on Friday 22/4/11. The main purpose of this trip was a quality couple of days with mum and with Ros, and to see other rels too. When I saw Ros, I was amazed at how swollen she looked. This was the effect of the Dexamethasone. Her face and infact her whole body had swollen up. Movement was very difficult for her. Dave had hired her some aids, including a remote controlled recliner which gently elevated her from sitting to standing position. She also made good use of a raised dining chair, so she could continue to eat her meals at the table. And a raised toilet seat made bathroom visits easier. A hospital bed was arriving very soon.But Ros' quality of life was changing, due to weakening muscle tone and the presence of ascites. Ros' spirit was still buoyant though.
On Saturday 23/4/11, Ros borrowed mum's ride on cart, to have a shopping centre visit. Dave was able to take it in the back of the Subaru. But when they got home, Ros had absolutely no power in her legs. She was unable to walk and had to drag herself up the front steps and inside. Ros had plans for a Donna Hay Gourmet meal. Chicken breasts with lemon and Haloumi (mains) and then a Raspberry Creme Bruilee with the hard shell top.She'd bought a flame torch, and a new food processor that day. Dave had bought sweets and wine. It was going to be a party.
We ate a delicious dinner and drank a little wine (Ros wasn't drinking any wine these days) and shared our dessert with Val and Frank who joined us later on.
We drove back to Sydney on the Sunday. It was Easter, and our journey home was fairly quiet. Not too many people on the Hume Highway on Easter Sunday.
On the following Wednesday 27/4/11, I returned to work in Sydney, and Ros returned to the hospital for her chemotherapy. However, when the Oncologist, Dr James, saw the blood results, he realised that the treatments were ineffective in treating Ros' metastatic cancer. The decision was now Palliative Care. Ros never came home from hospital. She was admitted into Room 20 Macalister Ward @ Ringwood Private Hospital. And there she stayed until her last day in this world.
I knew that this was it. I needed to be there with Ros, and Dave, and Mum. So I booked my flight, and on Sunday 1 May. An early flight. David (brother) picked me up from the airport. We collected June (sister in law) and headed to mum's place. Then later, I went into the hospital with Dave to see Ros.
Each day, the plan was to spend as much time with each of these people, especially Ros. There were some tasks to do with caring for mum. Hair appointment, podiatrist appointment, and general care factors.
Ros was weaker, day by day. But nevertheless, she was still calm and cheerful. There were some lovely days spent in the hospital. Friends and family dropped by and stayed a while. Outside, autumn was happening. The days were cool, drizzly and the colour was spectacular. We read (The Little Prince) and played lots of scrabble on the ipad2.
On Thursday 5/5/11, Dr James said "it will be weeks, not months,now". The palliative nurse said, "You'd better get ready. It won't be long. Is anyone aware how the situation is?" More SMS updates to all of the family, plus some friends.
On Friday Ros was weaker, but spent some time out in the special bed-chair
Ros said one day "I'm quite OK about dying. I'll be fine, but I don't think everyone else will be". Ros remained peaceful, and easy. She was sleeping more and more.
On Saturday, Ros was out in her bed chair again. We decided to visit the Japanese Garden, and this coincided with lunch. So it was lunch in the garden. Dave, Val, Ros and I. It was cool, almost cold. So it was a short visit. Then Ros returned to bed. She stayed there, sleeping on and off. She dozed on and off into Saturday night. And Sunday 8/5/11 was her last day with us. She was sleeping. This sleep was a very deep unrousable sleep. But still she looked tranquil. Her body was slowly giving up and shutting down. Her pulses were fading. Family were called. Mum "knew" that she wanted to be with Ros on this day (Mother's Day) and sat and held her hand. Dave held her other hand. This was quicker than any of us expected, (though I felt it would be sometime in the next few days). With most of her loving extended family around her, Ros died peacefully, and I felt that peace as well. Our beautiful treasure of Ros. She will live on in our hearts.

A Life worth Living ... hello Japan

It seems that not a week goes by without some sort of new drama unfolding in the world and in our lives. Last Friday, Bryce and I tookoff on a 4 day break to be in Orange, NSW. The mad rush to get organised so that we could get there in time for Bryce to tee off at 1.30 pm @ the Wentworth Golf Club. BUT IT RAINED! The closer we got to Orange, the more it threatened to rain. ... OK for golf, it seemed. Just a drizzle. The boys got 2 holes of golf in before the heavens opened. They returned to our abode in Orange. Leslie and I had been starting to soak up the lovliness of the Orange Shops (homewares, clothes, and gifts) when we got a call to return to the motel. We heard about the Japanese quake. The Big one. Then followed the Tsunami. The drama. Luckily Grace was continually phoning or messaging and keeping us informed. I felt numb. Confused. I had no emotion. I could feel no adrenaline. I felt like I'd been hit with so much bad news lately that what was another chapter. Grace was fantastic with her communication. And later that night we were able to talk to Laura and be reassured that she was safe.

Radiation Therapy has begun for Ros

... and she says so far, so good. No untoward effects. Ros goes daily for 10 sessions of therapy. The known side effects of nausea, tiredness, and tenderness in the targetted area - so far have not been an issue for Ros. She's such a calm patient. A perfect patient for any Doctor. No more chemo whilst the R therapy is happening. And regular contact with her team to give her an insight of the treatment. It's comforting to know that Ros is feeling as good as she is. Gemma, Grace, and I are flying to Melbourne next weekend to be with Family down South. Looking forward to it.

Bryce and Kathy are planning a holiday...

We are encouraged as Australians to be tough, be strong, show that Aussie spirit and determination to tough it out. Nothing will beat us. We will ride through this. We will be strong. We share our troubles with friends, but life goes on, and more life issues arise which take centre stage. We do take our health for granted. We "soldier on" and proudly say that we haven't taken a "sick day" for months or even a year. We are proud of our stoic ability to carry on day after day. And























then the doctor or specialist highlights that "Houston, we have a problem!". With Bryce, it's been lots of little things. Skin cancers, respiratory polyps, "Knee" problems, Auditory associated conditions, etc and then the big issues of Heart conduction issues, and Prostate Cancer. And now for Bryce, some thyroid concerns and yet another specialist. WHY??? Bryce's lifestyle has been dedicated to good nutrition and exercise. With me, it's been mainly centred around endocrine issues and getting the Thyroid issues balanced. Lately it's been "eyes" (something not feeling quite right) and the referral to an opthalmologist again. Mind you, I liked my treats interspersed within the "healthy" lifestyle. But after Christmas 2010, I was determined to shed mega kilos. OK... so momentarily we both feel pretty weary with what has happened to the health we once took for granted. But... we will take one step at a time and one day at a time and navigate our way through any issue that life serves at us. We will enjoy the life that we are living. Day by day. And we will LOVE the time we have together in Tasmania in April.

Ros has a new challenge to face

On Thursday night I returned Ros' phonecall. She reported that she had a new focus point for cancer treatment. She had developed a tumour within her brain. This may explain a lot of the headaches that she had been experiencing. She was having oral dexamethasone but was unable to keep the medication down as she was vomiting all the time. So the medication which would reduce the swelling around the tumour, was unable to work its magic. On Friday, Ros was admitted to hospital to have IV rehydration and IV medications. She was starting to feel a bit better on the Saturday, and was discharged home on Saturday afternoon, when she had proved her ability to keep nausea and vomiting free. A few days of rest ahead for Ros. Then on Tuesday afternoon, she will begin radiotherapy. This will be a course of 10 radiotherapy treatments. As she has to stay absolutely still during the treatment, there is a moulding to fit her headshape that she will wear/ lie in at every radiotherapy session. This will ensure that there is no movement and the radiotherapy is targetted to the exact spot of the tumour. My choice of photography here illustrates that there are some dark stormy days to navigate in order to see the light again. We travel stormy days in succession sometimes, wondering will there ever be an end to it. Of course there is. Glorious sunshine again. Through life, there are always stormy days, but they don't last forever. There is always light at the end of it all. Sunshiny days. Those stormy days serve to make you really appreciate the beautiful calm and peaceful sunny days.

"A Life worth Living is a life well lived "

Who said that? I guess it is a reminder to us to live each day as if it were your last. Effective. Worth remembering. Another cherished day. In years gone by I often felt like I was living "for tomorrow". Working hard today to make money "for tomorrow" because "who knows what tomorrow may bring?" But if I could have those days back, I would live every day like it was the only one I had. I would smile more. Laugh more. Kick back more. Not worry so much about what others thought or what impact my actions would have. Think. Think. Think. Too much thinking. And meditate. And bring on the calm. And the peace. And the harmony. Humm. And sing more instead of whingeing. And listen to nature. Listen to the breeze. Hear the birds. Feel the warmth of the sun. Bask in it's comfort. This is what is needed today. Today is all I have. I can't plan for tomorrow. I am wasting my time and not living in the moment. As Eckhart Tolle would say... Live in the NOW. I have to remind myself of that, or I may fall into old habits. Ah... today will be a harmonious and happy day. "Give us this day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it" (I know that verse from the Bible so well, and should make this my mantra). Have a wonderful day :)

And onto 2011...

Did 2010 go fast or what? So 2011 is another year to look forward to. Sure, one can look back on the journey taken so far and ask WHY. Who are we to question what Mother Nature has in store for any of us. It's how we take on the challenge and live each day to the best of our ability. I must say, in the last year, some days have been quite challenging. But 2011 and holidays and all... I reflect back that it was simply a very full year. Post Christmas, Bryce and I drove to Melbourne to see the family down south. We had a day to travel down. A day there. And another day to get home = 3 days total. The original plan was to bring "the mums" back to Sydney for a week's holiday and then to drive them both back home. Joan immediately declined saying it was too humid this time of year in Sydney. Mum said "yes" to begin with and then she declined on all further mentions of the idea. She just wanted to stay in her own place, where she was most comfortable. So we had a good catch up with both of the mums.
It was great to see Ros looking so good. Her #1 hairstyle looks quite OK. Even so, I think I will send her down another sports hat to give some variety and protect her head when out in the sunshine. Ros had a nagging pain, but as usual, she didn't complain about it, and joined in with all the usual frivolity. (She fortunately had a "pain relieving patch" on hand, should she need it). And Dougal was an absolute bundle of fun. Total FUN FUN FUN. Very cute to boot. I'm sure he'll be a wonderful companion for Ros and Dave. We saw Bron as well, and it was lovely to spend some good quality time with her too. David and June joined us all @ Ros & Dave's place for supper, and a post Christmas exchange of gifts. So it was a fun-filled night. Then home to Sydney on the 29th. Bryce is well (His most recent PSA level = 0.001 and that was great news). We have embarked on a diet/exercise regime for 2011. It eliminates "most" simple sugars from our diet and that includes too much fruit. Breakfast is the only time for fruit and that comes in the form of a smoothie. Vegetables = everything except potato. Protein is 6 times a day. 100gm/50gm/100gm/50gm/100gm/50gm. 3 hours between each meal. And 10,000 steps per day. So far so good. I'm not tired. I have energy. And I feel really good. That is a real bonus for me. (I hate that "tired" feeling). My hips have stopped aching when I move. And it's only been 4+ days. So watch this space. And HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Ros says she is doing very well, thankyou :)

... and that's what it's all about. It's about having the quality of life everyday. You have to be happy and you have to be enjoying what you are doing each day. It's also about being surrounded by and connected to people who care about YOU.
It's also about getting rid of all the rubbish and time wasting activities that encroach upon your day. So every day is then simplified and uncrowded. It's about stepping back and not getting caught up in "other people's dramas and adgendas" and taking one step at a time and savouring the moment. Eckhart Tolle talks about "living in the now" everyday. It's a purer sort of existence. Taking photographs of flowers can give you that "slow" appreciation of living things. Taking photographs of structures can give you that appreciation of the time taken to construct the object and the care in design by the creator/architect/builder. Everything has its own life. But it's an eternal lifeforce that takes one thing and turns it into another thing. So there is no beginning and no end. Garden waste is composted and feeds the seeds of plants to create new life. Cloud appreciation shows the everchanging canvass that is the sky. Every cloud is ever changing. Always a calming and equally exciting thing for me.

Long time no posting...

I don't know what it was that made me stop blogging. It must have been like writer's block. So wanted you to know that I am back on track. I will be blogging to my 4 x blogs daily. This is a really interesting life. No one knows what's around the corner for them. Why do we expect only good news OR only bad news. Why can't bad news turn into good news? Why doesn't good news satisfy us? Why do we need more and more of it?
I know that my art has really helped me make sense of some of the things in life. Sometimes you can't eloquently say what you're thinking, but you can get your emotions out through your art.
Bryce and I have been trying to understand why what has happened in our lives happens to us. Then we realised that every family goes through these ebbs and flows. No one can predict how life will be - rich, rewarding, full of health issues, downtimes, stressful times, easy times etc.
I understand now to "go a bit easier" and not to "expect too much" of myself or others. What will be will be. Don't fight it. Accept it. Move on. Make the best of every situation. Never stop being connected to what you believe in. And most of all - simply enjoy life and all its offerings.

Argh!!! This is all too much

...and so today I have taken a much needed MHD just to regain some peace and equillibrium back into my life. I'm doing too much and enjoying it all less. I'm really tired this last week. At least the sun is shining. Looks like a bit of Vitamin D will assist in today's recovery. I have the antenatal class to teach tonight. They have to do their appraisal of the course. Hope there is a few positive comments, and not all negative.

Bryce begins his holiday

Busy, busy, rush,rush! Getting ready to go. Nights 1 and 2 will be at Paul's holiday house at Hawk's Nest. The plan is GOLF! GOLF! and some more GOLF! Bryce has gone with three mates from his old work. This is to become an annual Golfing tradition. (This is it's 2nd year.) They decided to eat gourmet, this time. All the fellas cooked some component to the meal. Bryce reported that it was all delicious. A storm is brewing, so hopefully some golf will happen. On Sunday, Bryce heads north to South West Rocks, and stays a night there. We loved SWR and as a family we had 2 consecutive annual holidays there. On Monday Bryce heads to Ballina for 3 nights. He'll meet Kev there and spend some time with him there. Then on Thursday, he heads back for somewhere near Newcastle, where he'll meet Tony there for Golf there. And then home on Friday night. Happy and totally delighted from all that golf. Healing work.

An old photo of Ros, Mum and me

Here's Ros when she was in her early 20's. Ros got glasses when she was 12. We all wanted glasses. Lucky Ros. I remember having an old pair of mum's glasses without the lenses. That would do! This would be around the time when we all had permed hair. Ros' looks really nice in this pic. Quite soft. Which reminds me... I look forward to seeing a picture of Ros in her new hair. Long? short? Dark? Fair?











Do not adjust your glasses. It is really blurry. But it is a symbol of childhood days, Sandringham, a stay at home mother and 2 of her many children . Ros was always a pretty robust child. Outdoorsy. She had several regular friends as a kid. She invented "The Rose Club" which she would not let me be a member of! When I peeped through the Playhouse window, they were in there - making soap. Jars of slimy soap. I was envious. Wished I could have made jars of slimy soap too. Ah the Rose Club. Ros decorated a sign to hang on the door of the Playhouse. Ros played sport, and she did outdoorsy stuff! Ros learnt the piano from Molly Herbert. But she got "dismissed" because she was honest enough to say that she hadn't practiced. Ros was a perfectionist when it came to sewing. Mrs Gibbs at Sandy East didn't believe that Ros had hand sewn her "apron" hem, and so she made Ros unpick the whole thing because she insisted that Ros had used a sewing machine to stitch it. Something jumps up inside me - it's like the gross injustices of "The Shawshank Redemption". You feel like REVENGE!!
Ah! In those days old people seemed so old. They probably weren't though. They were probably our age. And WE"RE REALLY YOUNG!!!

Bryce looks forward to his week away

Bryce is going to have a weekend of golf, followed by a scattering of golf and relaxation over the following week as he travels up to and back from Ballina. Great to be able to just "be" and not "have to do". I'm looking forward to him being able to switch off for a while, and just take the time to enjoy life. It's almost a year since he stopped work and 10+ months since his cancer operation. Safe travelling :)

Ros reports a very tender scalp

Ros is having some very tender scalp moments. She has shaved off her hair as it was all falling out with the chemotherapy treatment. She has got herself a new head of hair which she wears but only for a short time. She says that her head is very very tender and the hair she puts on to wear from time to time gets very hot. So Ros will opt for wearing a sports cap sometimes. I think I would do the same, if I were having chemo. Comfort has to win over every time.
But I can't wait to see what it all looks like. So when Ros has finished her chemo, she will grow new hair which may be quite different to what she has known before. It may be curly, and may have a different, coarser texture. So that's something to wait and look forward to. I wonder how young Dougal is going. Bet he's growing! Looking forward to some updates of him too.

So, how does this all effect me?

Well... the cancer journey is for those who are diagnosed with their condition and for all those family and friends who stand by. So, yeah... it effects us all. I guess more than anything it reinforces the value of a day... so no day is wasted. Everyday is a conscious effort to be the best you can be, to be as positive and calm as you can be, and to derive satisfaction and happiness in as much as possible. No time should be wasted on useless negative stuff. I'm learning about meditation. I'm taking it slowly. I have difficulty keeping still and quiet. Too quiet and I fall asleep. I'm easily distracted. I'm reading a book about The Tao... daily readings. They are excellent. I'm listening to Eckhart Tolle CD. They are all saying the same thing. Be quiet. Be still. Let go and let God. And all that helps. I recognised that should capitalise on my artistic ability, so I'm drawing everyday. Of course I'm blogging. That helps. I'm trying to keep a broad range of interests. I try to give +++ in the workplace. I try not be "all work and no play." I'm aware of recognising the essense of everyone that I meet daily so that no one is overlooked. Sometimes that is hard. Especially if they are in a crabby or negative mood. It's a life and living journey.
I think it's changed me somewhat into being a calmer person. It's acceptance of what is and what is not. I have little aspiration for wealth or power. I value health and happiness. I appreciate good food - healthy food for its healing powers, and delicious food for its taste and presentation (especially if Bryce prepares it). I love tete a tetes for the connectiveness that the opportunity provides. And there's always great subject matter to draw wherever you go. The journey continues.........

Bryce and his morning routine.

Bryce has a particular routine that he likes to stick to, most days of the week. Occasionally I give him breakfast in bed. He loves having B-I-B but only trouble is that he end up staying in bed longer than he'd like. So if he can, he'll beat me to the post, and get up for breakfast. Some relaxation and some meditetion, some inspirational reading, and a healthy post breakfast smoothie. He often makes me my lunch to take to work (if I haven't beaten him to it). Then exercise... either cardio or weights work. Weekends are slightly different, as we like to go somewhere for a tete a tete. He also has his food shopping day. Lately he's been spending a lot of time pottering in his vege patch. Wow, it's been a great winter crop. This is a photo of B outside a cute little cafe in Windsor. What's in the bag? A deliciously moist chocolate brownie. Home made by someone. Organic 75% of the time. Indulgent 20% Other 5%

Gimme a head with Hair.

Ros' new chemo was known to have a side effect of "hair loss". For some, probably for most people, the hair loss is immediate. For others - it's more gradual. Ros is probably finding that she is in the latter catagory. She says she's getting sick of "all the mess" with hair loss happening bit by bit. How does she feel? She's comfortable in her own skin, and accepts that this is part of the treatment. However, Di is taking her to Chapel Street to look at "hair". I won't be seeing Ros til October, so I may not recognise her. She may be blonde, or a redhead. Here in this pic, Ros and Dave are relaxing at Mission Beach at the little cafe on the beach. Ah... that was a nice day.

BRYCE is settling into this life at home... 24/7

A life of Organic Gardening, wholesome cooking, reading, house keeping and an interest in "a little bit of everything"... this is Bryce's new life. Oh, and healing from surgery and "moving forward"... (as per our esteemed Prime Minister). Yep, this is Bryce's life as we know it. He is planning his little mini break. A golfing weekend in Hawk's Nest followed by several days travelling north to Ballina and back home again. I'm looking forward to hear how Bryce's new 5 iron and 6 iron go. Big Bertha irons "on special" at the Wentworth Golf Pro Shop in Orange ($5 each).

Ros deals with the new Chemotherapy

Ros started her new regime of Chemotherapy a few weeks ago. IV Campestar and oral Zeloda. The IV Chemo caused nasty nausea and vomiting, so much so that Ros needed to be admitted to hospital for a few days as she needed rehydration. The oral Chemo all went well. No side effects to note. However, Ros began to notice that her hair was thinning and falling out... not in great clumps but just a generalised loss per day. Ros thinks that she will get a wig... not so much for herself, but so that she doesn't have to deal with other people's reaction to her hair loss. Di will take her to look at hair next week. Stop press... Ros had a second course of Campestar (the IV chemo) ... it was a reduced dosage. And it all went well, with no side effects.

Sunny days, organics, and A2 milk

We are eating an abundance of organic greens from the garden now. So many delicious snap-fresh snow peas, some broad beans, kale, cabbage and silver beet. PLUS yesterday I tasted our carrots. They tasted good. Juicy. Flavoursome. Not too sweet. And there are plenty. Bryce is concerned he should be planting the summer crop. The winter crop was so slow in coming. Now it's here. And we have to eat it all. But now is the time to start planting tomatoes, and other summer salad items. I have been hearing a bit about A2 milk. A lot recently from Bryce. And then on a few you tube videos, information that there is a lot of coverup from the dairy corporation. A1 milk can cause a whole range of diseases including diabetes, autism, and intestinal conditions. Our milk used to be all A2, but then there was some changes in dairy farming and A1 arrived on the scene. Certain cows only produce A2 milk (the good milk). I also found myself that A2 milk doesn't go off as quickly as other milks. I've got a 2 litre container of fresh A2 milk (tastes great) and it's already a week over the expiry date. Interesting!! Anyway, it's great to be able to have fresh veges available anytime. I LIKE THAT. Don't know why we left it so long to do this. Bryce is re-reading a library book we also got out last year by a Dr Neil Barnard (... no, not Bryce's old work colleague) and it's all about the healthful eating. It's called "The Cancer Survivor's Guide".